The Non-Guinness Book of NFL Records

Mike Wallace Danny Shelton2

NFL wide receiver Mike Wallace (above left) this week stated that he’s the fastest player in football. No argument from Mayberry RFD’s resident deputy Barney Fife, despite his best efforts to obtain evidence:


If the claim of a 4.21 40-yard dash by the Vikings’ wideout is legit, then he is football’s fastest. And why not? His actual first name is Burnell.

We’ll get further proof August 9th when Wallace’s current team from Minnesota plays his former team from Pittsburgh in the annual Hall of Fame Game. Meantime, let’s reveal the unofficial list of other NFL superlatives.

SLOWEST
The anti-Wallace, Cleveland nose tackle Danny Shelton (above right), registered a 5.64 in the 40-yard (let’s not call it a dash) crawl.

TALLEST
Tampa Bay’s 6’9″ Demar Dotson. He plays offensive tackle for the Bucs. And designated field goal swatter if they know what’s good for them.

SHORTEST
Look down there: it’s Jaquizz Rodgers of the Bears and Philly’s Darren Sproles, who both stand 5’6″ and tower over free agent back Trindon Holliday, who is 5’5″. About the same size as my high school history teacher Wallace McDonald, who wore kilts to class and smelled like he bathed in Old Spice cologne.

GOOFIEST

Gronk-2015 Derby

(Credit: Getty Images)

Gronk. On the right, next to Tom Brady. At the 2015 Kentucky Derby. Enough said.

HEAVIEST
That tremor you feel is Jets’ nose tackle T.J. Barnes, whose official weight last season was 364. And he wears the biggest number (99) you’re allowed to have.

SMARTEST
According to the Wonderlic test, which measures intelligence, it’s Jets’ quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, who scored a 48 out of 50. If he’s REALLY smart, he’ll get his heavy teammate Barnes to lose a little weight.

FUNNIEST
This was tough, but it’s still Broncos’ quarterback Peyton Manning, on the strength of his Nationwide commercials. Chicken Parm you taste so good.


DUMBEST
Any player who abuses a smaller, weaker human being or animal. Unfortunately for the NFL, the list in this category is way too long.

JESUS CHRISTIEST
Thank God Tim Tebow recently rejoined the league in Philadelphia, making this one easy and eliminating tons of boring research.

Any other nominees and/or categories, fire away in the Comments section below.

Dave Coombs is a longtime morning radio personality and NFL fanatic.

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