CoupleTake: Flip Flops

fish flip flops

Beth writes…

There are parts on men that are (I think we can all agree) not attractive. Entertaining? Yes. Nice to look at? Maybe. Does that extend to feet? Furthermore, does ‘unattractive’ trump ‘comfort’? I don’t mean pajamas at Wal-Mart, I mean flip flops.

Last winter, we all went on a cruise that included stops at some gorgeous Caribbean beaches. My husband, Dave, wore sneakers. On the beach. In the ocean! Pretty much everywhere. He is a conscientious objector to flip flops. In his words, “men should not wear flip flops.” For me, the day the weather finally becomes warm enough to wear flip flops, I get a pedicure, do a happy dance, and pop those babies right on my feet. What other item of footwear can be gotten for $1? The bargain price is obviously a sign that we are all meant to wear flip flops when summer rolls around.

Granted, women spend a little more time on foot maintenance, in general, than men. I thought maybe this was the problem for Dave. Years of professional soccer have left him with some questionable looking toes. I lovingly refer to them as wombat feet. To make matters worse, he has a tendency to trim his toenails into weapons – his little piggies are carrying shivs!

I dragged him for his very first pedicure. I think he enjoyed it. His tootsies came out of it looking pretty damn good, I thought. I offered to shop with him for some masculine man-sandals. His answer was an emphatic “no!”

In spite of this, I think a man in flops is perfectly acceptable – especially in a beach scenario.

Just not with socks.

Dave writes…

Flip flops are the fashion equivalent of chopsticks. Shoes and forks function much better for their assigned tasks. And humans look better in public with more updated gear.

Flip flops and chopsticks are both vestiges of pre-Christian history. If you want to use chopsticks as a nod to traditional cultures, whose people utilized the crude sticks to shovel food into their pieholes, that’s cool. And it’s also okay if you want to wear old-fashioned sandals because they’re comfortable. But let’s not pretend either item functions better than today’s footwear and utensils. Embrace the technology, people. Progress is not a bad thing.

On the topic of appearance, have you seen how bad most of us look while attempting to use chopsticks? It’s so challenging, it should be an Olympic sport. (In case you’re tempted, don’t bother. The Chinese would dominate, just as they do in ping pong.) And feet are the ugliest feature for many humans. Why show them off any more than necessary. Barefoot is bad enough. Stick some sandals on Fred Flintstone (or your next-door neighbor Wally), and observe how the horror is framed and accentuated.

Then there’s the annoying sound flip flops make when you’re in motion. The noise is like your soles are being softly spanked by a wet noodle. Foot fetishists: stay out of this discussion!

The very names of the items even have bad connotations. Chopsticks is the most rudimentary song on the piano. Flip flops are what bad politicians perform when they’re not consistent on the issues.

Girls do look good in flip flops, but there’s no upside for men to wear ‘em. They don’t look good. You can’t run well in them. The rubber strap irritates the webbing between your toes. There’s just no point. Unless you’re dressing up for a Halloween party. In fact, this year I think I’ll go as a male douche. I’ll wear flip flops and carry my own chopsticks to eat the hors d’oeuvres. And I’ll top it all off with one of those porkpie hats. I can see Beth keeping her distance from me right now.

Dave Coombs is a longtime morning radio host. His wife Beth is a longtime flip flop wearer.

One Response to CoupleTake: Flip Flops
  1. Ed Calkins Reply

    I’m with you Dave! You won’t ever catch me in flip flops…

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