Another 4th Down

front door

It was quite an Independence Day weekend at my house. To sum it up: red, white (black) and blue.

Red, from the cuts and abrasions I suffered. Black and blue, from the bruises on my back and side. White, because I’m just an ordinary average white guy trying to survive another suburban 4th.

I didn’t blow off any fingers. I didn’t try to launch fireworks off the top of my melon. I didn’t challenge any alligators by diving into their natural habitats. However, I did suffer a personal injury. My attacker is pictured above. You have to look REALLY close to make an identification.

Here’s the story…

Lugging overstuffed garbage bags and recyclables from the house to the garage, I fell down the front stairs. If any of our neighbors witnessed the incident from across the street, they must have laughed.

The fall was one of those slow-motion deals that seemed to take FOR. EV. ER.

Due to the garbage bags in front of me, I could not see anything below my waist, including the crucial stairs in the picture. At some point, one of my feet became twisted and I started to go down.

Let me get an important fact out of the way: I had NOT been drinking. Which actually kind of makes my lack of balance even more pathetic.

On the way down, I remember hopping on one foot once or twice and trying in vain to right the ship. Not sure if I did a complete 360 in the process, or just a partial, as I performed my dismount from the concrete staircase.

I do recall bouncing off the table-saw with my shoulder, dislodging a candle in a round glass case that shattered on the garage floor, slamming my spine against the garage doorframe, and landing in a sitting position on my ass–not hard, but in the sad fashion of someone trying and failing to claim the final seat in a game of musical chairs.

I ended up with a cut on my hand, a scrape on my upper arm, and bruises on my back. The drinking began shortly after that.

Next year, I’m sticking to my duties at the propane barbecue grill. Nothing can possibly go wrong there. Hope YOUR 2015 July 4th festivities were smoother than mine and injury-free. If not, I’d love to hear about it.

Dave Coombs is a longtime morning radio host who can’t wait to be back on the air.

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